Happy

"Happy"

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy

So any turns that I can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything

I just wanna be happy

Ready to Love

"Ready For Love"

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

Cruel, Cruel Summer

I've lived in Kansas for pretty much 85% of my life. Truly not much surprises me about the things that happen in this state. Now from what every Kansan knows, our weather is pretty freaking ridiculous....from intense rain, flooding, drought, famine, Tsunami's and earthquakes (total dramatization). However for once I am just flabbergasted, YEA flabbergasted by the severity of the weather right now.

If you live in Kansas right now, you would know that we are suffering from an intense heat wave. It already gets pretty hot and spicy in Kansas during the summers where we see record highs of 103+ degrees, but this summer has really taken the cake!

Today the high was 113 degrees...what the hell is that!? 113 degrees! that's like walking outside to instant death.

In a normal Kansas summer by the time evening sets in, your down to semi comfortable temperatures where you can enjoy low 80's, possibly 70's. Right now it is about 9:30pm and my temperature gauge says 94 degrees............my poor poor electric bill. PLEASE PLEASE lets not talk about how Westar is probably giggling in their fanny packs right now, loving every AC sucking moment of this heat wave.

I am literally fearing to check the mail, last month my bill was 50.00 dollars, I am expecting to take that by 4 Times on this bill. UGH murder me!

It truly is a cruel summer!

~*Much Love My Bloggers*~ (and stay cool)

Dear Reality, Go away!

Today has been......a hard day, just putting it lightly. It has been just a really hard, stressful, emotionally draining day.

While sitting at work taking mentally straining phone calls, trying to remember how surgical procedures are covered and trying to figure out if Dr. Jones is a network provider, my mind was miles away. My mind was many, many miles away with my father. Today my daddy was having a surgery, today my father laid on table, while under anesthesia being medically altered by a doctor. During this time there was the ever present possibility that he may never wake up...though small the possibility was, it was possible.

My mind could not let go of that one simple fact, that in one simple instance there could have been a possibility I would never see my father again. Just typing this makes me tear up.

It was too much of a reality that life really truly could change in one little moment.

If anyone knows me and my fathers relationship, its quirky and strange but in the end it works for us. I love my father more that anyone in this world, he has always been there for me, always that consistent figure in my life. Through all the best moments of my life, my daddy has been there. The thought that he may not be there (or live forever, cause he will) fills me with a dread I cant quite explain.

My father is now home recovering and likely to make a full recovery, but the fact remains that eventually at some point in time I will have to face the moment when my dad may get sick or old or sick and old....whatever it maybe, it may be something he will not recover from and Daddy's little girl will have to stand by and watch..that helpless moment.

Until that moment comes, Ill enjoy having my dad every moment I can, making fun of his silly ways and arguing with his ridiculous ideas...Because in reality I wouldn't trade my father for anyone else in the world.

~*Much Love my Bloggers*~

And I'm back in the game!

Too many of you know the many horrific stories I have of dating, we know of the crazy roller coaster I have been on. Its been on fun ride for sure!
Ive been in Topeka now for almost 8 months and though the dating scene has been a little bit different from Salina, I still find that though there are plenty of fish (hehe like that reference) out there, MOST are not keepers!

Recently I had taken a break from dating, pleading off emotionally committing myself to anyone for while. It was just becoming to much for me, I think it takes a big person to be able to step back and recognize when you just need to get out of the game for while.
I took that time to really devote to pouring myself back into work and pulling myself back to my center. Finding that emotional easy medium.
After that relaxing, well i guess it wasn't all that relaxing (if you call working 67 hour weeks relaxing), time of reflection I feel that I am ready to tackle the beast of dating again.
I feel refreshed and back to center again.

SO with that said, lately it has been hit and miss with a few guys that I had been talking to. I have utilized what I like to call the band aid method into dating now. If I really truly feel like the situation isn't going to work with a guy, instead of just letting it slowly dwindle off, like a band aid that needs to come off, I just rip it off, or end the situation quickly, no delays.....it is better this way. Whats the point of wasting each others time.

So on the note of dating I would like to share a VERY recent dating experience. And when I say recent, I mean last night!
(Names will presently be changed to protect the innocent)
We shall call him CARL for now.
Carl and I had met on line and after a few days of chatting, we decided that we should go on a date. After setting the date and time, we decided on a delicious date to Ruby Tues...Red Robin (Carl would have got that joke, sorry I'm leaving all of you out of that joke).
To say I was nervous was an understatement (as some of you know I also have social anxiety), I literally was shaking as I was doing my hair and make up. Carl and I had had some great conversation prior to the date so I really wanted the date to go well.
Question: Is it bad when you pray prior to date? Never mind
I got to Red Robin first and got the table and waited.....anxiety can be such a bitch. Carl finally arrived and I was pleasantly surprised. He looked just like he did in his pictures, actually he was taller that I thought he would be, BIG BROWNIE POINTS.
You could tell that both of us were nervous, and I know if my bestie Kathy was there, she would have punched me in the head for chattering and blabbering on like I was. I really must have been annoying.
Dinner went so well though, the conversation flowed really well, so well I took two bites of my burger and ate like 5 fries....(i cant believe I didn't eat that damn delicious burger).
As the dinner progressed I knew I wanted the night to continue so I offered to take Carl to the movies. He agreed (yay) and we proceeded to see Transformers 3 in 3D, which if you any of you haven't seen it, you should, it is AMAZING!. we had a great time in the movies too, making idle comments of things that were happening, giggling (ok i was giggling) at funny things we would say...AND he held my hand...HEHHEHEHHEHEHEH (ok yes, more giggles).
After the LONG movie, it turned out to be a gorgeous night so we headed over to a local park, we swung, I almost vomited on the merry go round, and then we found a picnic table. We sat under the stars with the nice night breeze going. It was gorgeous in the night...UNTIL....the hippies showed up!!!
WTF right!!!?
yea you heard me, Hippies...Carl and I were lounging in the dark, when all of sudden to two hippie people came walking up to us in the dark. I was so wigged out, cause in Topeka, I was sure they were coming to murder us. They introduced themselves, shook our hands and idle meandered back to the park. They swung on the swings right next to us...almost as if they were watching us.
The whole situation was so.....unreal, I just couldn't believe it. PEOPLE I SWEAR.

After hanging out in the park, for hours, Carl and I decided to end the night. We left the park...and the Hippies. We decided that date #2 was in order.
All in All the date was a 9 out of 10, probably one of the best dates Ive had in a really, really long time. I look forward to seeing Carl again and when I do, you guys can bet Ill be blogging about it.

~*Much Love My Bloggers*~

Lets Try this Again

OK Kids,
It would be easy today for me to post a blog that apologizes for me not posting a blog for almost two months. But guess what? I am not going to do that, I am fully aware that I have shirked my blog posting duties and YES many things have happened, but rather than play catch up and bring you guys up to speed, I am just going to start posting from where things are currently in my life and hopefully I can fill the holes in later.

I will add though I have missed writing blogs so much. I didn't realize how much I would miss filling these pages with the crazy events of my life.

So here we go again my faithful blog readers. Its my life as we know it and love it!

~*Much Love my Bloggers*~

Gravity

*to you

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that
You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long...